welcome to the planet
welcome to existence
what happens next?
what happens next?

hey, look! 2012 is gone! in its place is this shiny new jello-mold of a year, 2013. it’s all new and full of glitzy promise. and all of a sudden, it seems really, REALLY damn important not to let the malaise of the old year run headlong into the new year. it’s not like i’m making grand plans and resolutions. i don’t believe, as a rule, in resolutions. think about what usually happens: you write out a whole list of all the ways you’re going to conform yourself to the popular ideal of BEING A BETTER PERSON. organize the house! hit the gym! find the love of your life! clean all the things! become wittier and more literate than you ever dreamed possible! save the whales! DO IT ALL!

and then in mid-february, when the list is in tatters around your feet with next to none of the unattainable goals even remotely visible on the horizon, you collapse into a sad, defeated heap and give it all up.

the tension is here, the tension is here
between who you are and who you could be
between how it is and how it should be, yeah

what kind of a plan is that? ouch to the psyche. i have enough trouble being sweet to myself without basically loading up all the guns in the world and aiming them at the temple of my self-esteem with each one cocked. no, i didn’t make a plan to achieve grandly in 2013. i just woke up and, really without doing so consciously, hit reset on my emotional health. and i was tested early. the work drama that plagued me all 2012 reemerged with a VENGEANCE yesterday. but my reaction was remarkably unplanned: i just said, you know what? no. i am not going to do this with you people. you don’t get to get me all worked up and mad again. we will do what we can, and we will not apologize for not doing what we can’t. period. full stop.

it’s a really, REALLY nice feeling. it’s important for me to keep this going.

maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
where do you run to escape from yourself?

i am notorious for being my own worst enemy. it’s been pretty obvious in the story i’ve been telling y’all all these years, hasn’t it? i am slow to take credit, reluctant to believe in my own fortitude, and quick to lash out at everyone – including myself – at the first sign of trouble. i am prone to surrounding myself in a wildly spiky cloud of bravado and the highest of high hopes, only to fling myself into despair when something cuts through to my core. and 2012 was the high-water mark of this ridiculous behavior.

the man and i spent new year’s eve in the house by ourselves. we put on our jammies, got ripped on good booze and sat around watching stupid television until after 3AM. at the appointed hour here on the east coast, we popped the cork on a REALLY good bottle of cuvée and toasted the new year. quite out of nowhere, the man looked at me with these exceedingly serious eyes and said, i promise you that i will do everything i can to make your 2013 as good as it can be. so that was a little jolt to the system. i started thinking about it. he always says to me, i just want you to be happy. he will go to extraordinary lengths to keep me smiling. and something about that statement, made so solemnly, shook me up a bit.

baby girl, it’s not just you, is what that moment said.

i dare you to move
i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself, lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
like today never happened, today never happened before

that’s my charge in 2013. my charge is to make sure that the days of 2013, one of them at the time, are at least a little sunny. people always say it’s the little things that matter. seems really freaking cheesy. but it’s not as dumb as it seems. sometimes, those little shards of happiness are all you can cling to when the world breaks around you. and that’s what matters, eh? that stupid joke he tells, the one that makes you stop, stare at him in shock for a second, then bust into hysterical laughter for minutes on end? that’s a lifeline when badness is overwhelming. [the man is a MASTER of that style of humor.]

i am going to make some small administrative changes. i’m trading my grande mocha with whip for a grande dark roast with room [400 calories a DAY back in my pocket - what the hell was i DOING all last year?]. i’m eating some fruit, being better about flossing, and once the resolution-heads fade back a bit, i may even let myself exercise in a place where people can see me. [i HATE being looked at when i work out. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.] but not with a specific goal in mind. i’m just going to tweak the stuff i didn’t like in 2012 that i can control. the rest of it? i’m going to spend a ton more time focused on that silly smile he gives me when i’m bummed. or how righteously awesome all of y’all are, friends out there in the world. or the fact that pears are amazing, and i should eat more of them. y’know, the good things.

i’m taking the dare – i’m going to move. how are y’all gonna greet this shiny, wiggly mass of potential known as 2013? just promise me one thing, friends: do happiness. even in tiny pieces, fleeting at best. you owe it to yourselves. maybe this year, that lesson will stick.