the problem with some choices is that they seem irrevocable. once you set yourself on a path towards one of these irreversible results, it seems like that’s it; you go through the gate, lock the gate behind you and never look back again. march on, march on, and you can’t go back again. but what happens if the path you take is, well, intolerable to who you are?
everyone takes wrong turns. i’ve done it a number of times in my life. but most of my bad choices in this life have been at least somewhat easy to recover from. this week has been a long and stressful exercise in screaming, crushing self-doubt, combined with a serious concern about a couple of large choices that seem irrevocable. the man has also been facing similar questions about some choices he’s made in his past, too.
and as it happens, these paths may not be so locked after all.
the partnership of mags-and-the-man is entering a season of fundamental, all-encompassing change, going well beyond moving into marriage together. we are going to shake up absolutely everything about the way we live and the things we do. we’re going to face down some fears that have, frankly, been holding us in some pretty ugly situations. and it’s going to be scary. it’s going to be hard. and it’s going to be LIBERATING.
i wish i could be less cryptic in working all this stuff out. i really do. it was so helpful in sorting out the end of my first marriage and the beginning of my relationship with the man to be able to take these thoughts to the people and work through the chaos in my brain. but the world in which we live is just not at all conducive to honesty in the arenas that are troubling me. part of the season of change is the complementary dose of self-preservation that must accompany drastic moves. in other words, while i’m in the middle of shaking up my life and preparing for giant transitions, i had better not do anything to screw up the status quo until it’s time to kick the here and now to the curb.
i will say this, though: as awesome as moving on will be, i am so freaking tired of GRAND SWEEPING TRANSITIONS. i hope to the god in which i don’t believe that this time, the change will stick, and i can just be comfortable for awhile. seriously.